Today was… a day.
I woke up tired as all hell, mentally exhausted and sore as shit. Yesterday was arm day so my entire upper body hurt. I got to talking to some strangers on the internet about how I felt and I ended up sitting on the couch crying whenever I was supposed to be leaving for work.
I spent the morning smoking weed and decided to call the attendance line and tell them I woke up to a flat tire to buy me some time. It was a dirty lie, I know, but in my defense I was so anxious and depressed that there was no way I was moving.
When I finally managed to gather my shit, I showed up to work and the entire class (I’m still in training) said they were worrying about me. The trainer said to me, “I saw you weren’t here and said to myself ‘Where’s Jack? She’s never late!'”
I felt so bad for lying. Even some of my classmates exclaimed, “There you are!” It was strange. They said they were glad I made it here safely and that they knew I was probably having car troubles. My heart broke. I wish I could have just told them the truth but that would have gotten me in trouble for sure.
I didn’t know they even liked me. I thought everyone looked at me like some fat quiet weirdo. But apparently they like me, which was a good enough pick-me-up to get me through the rest of the day.
Either way, as much as I enjoy the people so far, I know this job is production based (it’s a call center) which is what I was trying to get away from. I worked at a meat factory prior to this job and it was awful. The quota means more than the people who work there.
I just want to be able to go to college and actually make something out of my life before I get too old, and I don’t think I’ll have the time if I’m working there. The whole situation sucks.
To make matters worse, I ended up eating five slices of pizza, cheesecake, and chocolate at my dad’s house. I also ate a cookie for breakfast. Which is awful because I broke my diet just because of how emotional I was today.
And it’s so hard to process and vent all my emotions to my handful of internet friends. I can’t be vulnerable around anyone. Not anyone in real life, anyways. I get so anxious to the point of panic attacks whenever I try to be vulnerable. But I’m trying my best.
I want to be at 200 pounds by March. Right now I’m 204. I was 203 but my compulsive eating pushed me back up a pound and now with today’s ordeal it might be back to 205. If it is, I’ll be devastated. I long for someone to help me through this whole process. Someone who can consistently be there for me. But I just have to accept that I can’t have that right now.
Life is a trip. I’m not sure how I’m going to maintain all this shit but the only thing I can do is keep trying. Consistency is my biggest struggle with the whole process. Hopefully things are better tomorrow.
Searching for Sanity 